Breastfeeding blues

We just got back from a great weekend up north, where we visited Sacha's parents and enjoyed a lovely party they threw for us and the gestating little one. I want to write about that, but I'm going to start with something else that happened this weekend. This is going to be a little stream-of-consciousness, because I just want to process it.

Last Thursday, I woke up feeling yucky and it quickly became clear that I had a cold. M and I stayed in and pretty quiet that day, but by bedtime, he was sick, too. Soon after that, Sacha was sick. Good times. He woke up to nurse on Thursday night after just a few hours of sleep, and then woke up again a couple of hours after that. I fed him on one side and he started in on the other side, but then he kind of gagged and spit out my nipple. He does that sometimes when he's really stuffy, so I tried propping him up and latching him on again. He didn't want to and I didn't think much of it. I put him back to bed and that was that.

The next morning, he wasn't interested in nursing when he got up, which is very unusual for him. However, it does sometimes happen. I offered some mama milk mid-morning and he nursed on one side but then didn't want the other. I started to really wonder what was going on, but we had to pack up for our trip and I was rushing around and, especially when he later fell asleep in the front carrier and then nursed both sides before I put him down, I figured everything was fine.

In fact, however, things were about to become quite different. The whole time we were in Washington, he just would not nurse. Every time I sat down to offer him some milk, he would push me away and say "No mama's milk!" very emphatically. The only times he nursed were when I would take him out for a walk, he would fall asleep, and then would take some milk from me after we got back but while he was still totally asleep.

We drove home today and thought that maybe getting back into our usual routine would help. We had an especially soothing time at bedtime and then I sat down in our comfy chair to nurse him. He started to curl up in my arms and then realized what was happening and started saying "no mama's milk!" while trying to escape. He finally cuddled into my shoulder and I rocked him back and forth and pretty soon he was asleep. Wanting to get some fluids into him, as well as immunities for his cold, I tried gently changing positions so I could nurse him. He happily cuddled up into my arms, but touching the breast to his mouth just made him jump and turn his head away - even in his sleep!

Sacha and I have consulted some breastfeeding books and La Leche online and it looks like one of two things could be happening. He could be on a nursing strike, which is when a baby or toddler abruptly stops nursing for a few days or longer because of something - a cold, ear infection, change in routine, etc - and then eventually resumes their routine. Apparently this is pretty common in kids who are still nursing at M's age. We had a weekend away from home when we were all sick with horrible colds. The change, plus the stuffiness and sore throat that we think he has, might have thrown him off. Plus, we've been preparing for the new baby and he could sense that a change is coming.

Or, he could just be done with breastfeeding. He is 17 months old and he's a busy little guy and maybe he's just onto other things. Interestingly, he's been going down at night more easily than ever, despite being in a new place, since this started on Friday. We thought the middle of the night wakings were going to be a disaster, because he always nurses down to sleep after he wakes up and has been known to cry for two hours if he doesn't get milk. But, everything was fine. I mean, he was already sleeping awfully because he was so, so stuffy. But when he woke up in the night, after he declined to nurse, we put him back down and he conked right back out. Same thing with tonight - he went down incredibly easily with no crying. Does this mean that he's just ready to be done? He is a very strong-willed little guy and doesn't change his mind easily.

From what we've read, it sounds like the next week should tell us a lot. If he's ready to wean, then that will be that and we'll move on into a short new phase of our lives in which neither one of us is breastfeeding. If he wants to start nursing again, we'll follow his lead in that case, too. He's certainly had a longer time breastfeeding than the vast majority of kids and it would be completely fine if he wanted to stop now.

I think I'll probably have an easier time once we know which way this is going, but right now I feel really sad and kind of unsettled. Once we got past our rough start, I have loved nursing him. Especially since he suddenly started nursing off to sleep around 9 months old, it has been a wonderful part of my days and nights. We go into his room and cuddle up and he has milk while slowly drifting off to sleep. Most of the time I put him in his crib soon after he conks, but sometimes I just cuddle him and think about how much I love him and how lucky we are to have this time together. I have loved this part of our lives so, so much.

I've always known that breastfeeding, and M's babyhood in general, would be too short, but I was hoping for a more gradual transition to the next thing! I get really sad thinking of how last week might have been our last week of nursing and how I didn't even know to appreciate it. Although, I've always tried to just be present with him while he's nursing and last week was no exception. In fact, as Sacha was reminding me, last week was a sweet week. Most days, he nursed down for naps, woke up after about an hour, and then let me nurse him back to sleep again. After he finished with his milk, Sacha or I would hold him and snuggle with him until he woke up. It was delicious and a wonderful time. If that was our last week, it was a pretty good way to go out.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I think maybe I just need to let myself be sad for awhile, until I adjust to wherever this process is taking us.