Biology

I sat down to write about how I feel about signing up to be the non-bio mom to a second child, but I realized (although I'm sure I will now prove myself wrong) that I don't have a lot to say about it.  We originally planned for me to get pregnant with #3, which didn't work out for a variety of reasons, and I thought maybe I would feel sad about that, or insecure about not being biologically connected to the majority of our kids.  Actually, things have been fine.  Sacha is beautiful pregnant and I'm over the moon excited about the baby growing in there.  It's always been my dream to have at least three kids, so how could I be upset about who is carrying the baby?

I love that I got to be pregnant and give birth to Mateo, but I also realized during the course of that pregnancy that what I really cared about was having a child, not necessarily being pregnant and giving birth to said child (although I am glad I got to do it).  It's true that I have occasional moments of sadness that I won't get to feel a baby flipping around inside me again.  However, Drizzle and I get to have moments in the night when I feel her move and Sacha's asleep, and that's pretty amazing, too.

I think my experience of being Tali's mama and being the primary caregiver for both kids has shown me that I relate to them almost completely same way.  I mean, in a few rare instances biology intervenes, like when Mateo had a hard time with his vision test at his last doctor's appointment and I thought, well, he probably got that from me.  Turns out, he was just being stubborn and he passed the second vision test, which Sacha had to take him to the optometrist for, with flying colors.  Since all three of us (me, Sacha, and Apa) can be very stubborn in our own ways, I guess I can blame us all for that particular trait!

But, like I was saying, Mateo and Natalia are my children.  Regardless of biology, they are a part of me and that can never be undone no matter whose body they came from.  The very beginnings of their lives were different, of course, but I've never felt bonded to one of them over the other.  I mean, we each go through times when things are going better for us with one child or another, but I think that's normal for any family.

My only worry about having a second child gestated by Sacha is that the balance we currently have will tip and maybe not now, but in the teenage years, that the two younger ones will prefer her over me.  However, I hope that me being the stay-at-home one with all of them through their early years will equalize that somewhat.  Watching Tali now, it's clear that she will run to Sacha like a homing pigeon when she comes home from work, but also that she asks where I am constantly if I leave the house for even a few minutes.

Sacha and I have worked really hard to treat our kids the same and, if anything, to deemphasize in public who gave birth to whom.  I've had a couple of friends recently tell me that they can never remember which one of us is the bio mom of each kid, which makes me feel good.  It's not something we emphasize with the kids or with anyone else.  We'd really rather avoid those horrible conversations about "who's the real mom?" or "don't you really just love one over the other?", both of which have come up more than once.

I'm not saying that biology isn't important, but more than anything, I truly believe that love is what makes a family.  Unconditional love.  Love that transcends biology.  That's what makes me think that embarking on the non-bio route again with Drizzle won't be too much of a big deal.  We have plenty of love to go around for all three of them, regardless of their gestational parent.

In fact, whenever we tell their gestation and birth stories to them, we always talk about "when you were growing in Mama's belly and Mommy's heart" or vice versa, and we try to apply that to our straight friends, as well (ie, "when your friend so-and-so was growing in his Mommy's belly and his Daddy's heart").  (An aside:  For both of us, being the non-bio mom to one kid has made us empathize a lot with the straight dads of the world, who get treated like they don't exist or have no idea how to parent a lot of the time.)  More than that, Sacha and I are really on the same page as far as making sure we each have time with both kids and that if one kid is starting to show a preference for one parent, that we make sure that kid has some extra special time with the other parent.

Right now Drizzle is growing in Sacha's belly and all of our hearts, and I have confidence that we'll navigate what lies ahead with everything I just said as a guide.  After all, if love makes a family, we have more than enough of that to go around!  I hope Drizzle is already feeling it from her comfy little place in Mommy's belly and Mama's heart.