Pusher

We have a little pusher on our hands. He started by pushing his little Radio Fly.er wagon around the house (we have the video in an earlier post). That was fun for awhile, until he really got the hang of it and realized that it didn't turn. After a month or so of bashing into walls, he's moved on to the good stuff. He gets his little mitts on his strollers (the big one and the little one) and goes all around! He catches a ride on the dining-room-table-chair train and explores the living room. His crowning glory came today when our friend Caroline was over for dinner. He pushed our kitchen cart/chopping block thing, which is on wheels, out of the kitchen and all the way to the far end of the living room! It was just so freaking cute.

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I had a moment today in our baby and me group. Normally I try really hard not to compare kids and to appreciate all their unique little talents. But today, Mateo was pushing his stroller around the baby group room and showing everyone how he can stand on his own for several seconds...and then he did a great job of kicking the baby beach balls when we played a game of baby soccer...and I was just so proud. I wanted to make sure everyone saw that our child is obviously the most advanced baby who has ever lived. I felt somewhat silly, but hopefully that means I still have a few molecules of objective perspective left in my body.

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Annie posted a comment a few weeks ago asking if we thought people should have some idea what they're getting into when they decide to have kids, or if it's better to go into it unknowing. I've given this idea quite a bit of thought since Mateo was born, because the life change was so dramatic and all-encompassing that I've wondered many times if one could actually prepare for it. When I was pregnant, I was always so sure that something catastrophic was about to happen that I never gave the whole infant thing much thought. I figured that if we were lucky enough to get there, then I would deal with it! That led to me being able to really be in the moment after he was born, which was great and amazing, and also to being blindsided by how incredibly incompatible sleep and infants can be.

I mentioned to a friend awhile back that I didn't think anyone can really be prepared for having a child. One might think they're prepared, but the reality is so consuming that I think it's just about impossible to grasp before you're immersed in it. He said that for people who didn't have to pitch in to raise their siblings or take on an adult role in their family at an early age, that that was probably true. That made me think about all the ways privilege impacts us from an early age and how it, and its absence, has reverberating effects across generations.

For me, though, having a child has been one of those life-changing experiences that I probably could never have been prepared for. I do think that the fact that we had to very consciously go through a process that led to M's conception made us more prepared than a lot of people, who fall into parenthood by accident. But, it's one thing to know that you're going to have a baby and that everything will soon be different...and quite another to emerge from extreme sleep deprivation a couple of months into parenthood and realize that you and your life have really and truly been transformed.

Being a parent has changed me. I feel much more confident in daily life than I used to, which is kind of funny because I also have many more what am I doing? moments than ever before! I'm much more willing to say what needs to be said instead of worrying about hurting someone's feelings. And I get less anxious about new situations than I used to. I think that maybe being (jointly) responsible for the totality of another (tiny) person's well-being 24 hours a day and doing it every single day for 10 months has had that effect on me! Sometimes I feel like jumping out the window, but mostly I am filled with gratitude to the universe for bringing us to this point.

And at some point, probably far off in the distant future, I hope to sleep through the night again.